The Tower We Built

I hold his cold hands in mine

I fold them in my fingers and press them deep against my chest

I breathe a sigh of relief

A sigh of finality

A sigh of grief

A sigh of fear lifted

He’s staying. He’s here with me now. He won’t leave again.

I don’t have to go through the pain and the confusion again.

I’m not going to be disappointed. I guess.

He’s here with me now and we’ll work it out.

Just a bump in the road.

But it blew up in a second.

All what I built and kept holding together, collapsed with his single touch.

He let go. He pushed all the pieces aside and slid them off his table. He wiped it clear with one stroke. A stroke so fast I didn’t see it coming. So swiftly I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend.

But as the pieces fell, the weight of holding them together fell with them. There is no longer a tower to protect. A tower I tried so hard not to collapse or fall apart.

It’s good that it fell. If it took so much force to keep it up, maybe it was not meant to stand…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Secret of All Movies

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We watch movies

We watch other people’s lives

What they see, how they react

Silently living through them for 2 and a half hours

We cry when their hearts are broken, we cannot contain our joy when we feel the chemistry between them, and we get excited when we start to feel the beginning a romantic love story.

When a problem arises (and there always is), we are at the edge of our seats until it gets resolved. Until they fight the world to be together…

And yet we all have this secret we carry all throughout the movie…

We are silently screaming, “I hope everything will be okay”

They better reassure us. They better reassure us everything will be okay

They better tell us this so we can feel satisfied. So we can conclude the movie with hope in life

With hope that one day we will feel what they felt and face things the way they faced them

But is life really like that? Summarised in highlights and ending in a promise of everlasting joy?

Do we put our expectations subconsciously too high on life that we get disappointed everyday

They don’t show us the routine of work life. They don’t show us dissatisfaction. They don’t show us boredom. They don’t show us imperfection.

No moment is a moment of complete tragedy or is of complete joy. It’s always a mixture. Some more concentrated than others.

We just need to let go a bit and see things for what they are: real and imperfect.

It was Just a Bracelet

  

It is just a bracelet I have

Full of beautiful tiny charms each with a hidden meaning

I wore it on my right arm so I could always see it while I write. Sometimes it bothered me but it always made me feel happy and loved. It was so pretty!

It started to become heavy. Whenever I tried writing, it hurt my wrist. It was annoying. Sitting there on my arm, promising me things it could not keep

It made me hurt when I looked at it. It felt fake, it felt heavy

I couldn’t wear it, I COULDN’T LOOK AT IT

I stashed it underneath my jewelry box drawer and added all my accessories above it so I could forget about it so I wouldn’t even consider wearing it

My right hand was bare. Exposed.

It was wasn’t as pretty and full as it was before

But I can’t wear my bracelet anymore

It is just a bracelet after all…

Embrace the $h!t

When I was young, I used to rewatch my cartoons secretly wishing that the bad parts wouldn’t happen again. The villian wouldn’t blow up the city this time, Cinderella’s dress wouldn’t be ripped by her sisters… 

As I grew up, I caught myself several times wishing the same things. But today, as I sit in my PJs watching the first part of Pitch Perfect 2 for the second time (the part where one of the singers goes on stage and gets her pants ripped), we wouldn’t have a movie without THAT part!

There is a problem so you can find a solution and the action in the whole episode or movie or this game we call life is solving this problem. Without the problems, we won’t be fighting and therefore we won’t be living. So I guess we just have to embrace the shit that comes our way!

Staying or Breaking Out the Comfort Zone, THAT is the question

Since I was kid, I hated to do anything extreme. I was never the kid who jumped off the highest slide or who was excited to go go-carting and race fast cars. I was scared as hell when I got into the go-cart that I “raced” at the slowest speed possible. I never broke a bone, because I never did anything stupid to risk myself that way. I didn’t play sports that involved balls because I was always afraid to be hit by the ball or play against a team that was too violent. I was a synchronised swimmer and I always felt happy and safe to be upside-down and flip in the water, but whenever they got us a gymnastics coach to teach us hand-stands outside the water, I would scream and be scared as hell of falling on my face.

I was never the kid who jumped off the highest slide or who was excited to go go-carting and race fast cars.

Till this day, I reject requests from my friends to go skydiving, bungee-jumping and even canoeing because I’m terrified of doing them.

My excuse to them and to myself is that, “Extreme is just not my thing.”

But then I realised, hand-stands are not that extreme but I’m terrified of doing those too? Maybe it’s the way I perceive these activities as somehow harming me one way or another so I refuse to take the risk at all.

At the end of the day, I always feel like I’m missing out, but I keep thinking is it worth the risk? Should I do all the things I fear without a second thought? Without analysing the million ways it can go wrong?

The thing is when I go on roller coasters, I don’t enjoy the ride because I am too scared, so I feel like I shouldn’t do it if I won’t enjoy it. But then again it goes back to whether I should change the way I think about it or not.

I don’t enjoy the ride because I am too scared, so I feel like I shouldn’t do it if I won’t enjoy it.

Should I change the way I am and force myself to enjoy the things I fear? Should I jump off that plane and enjoy the feeling of flying rather than the feeling of falling? It’s all about the way I perceive it. I don’t know if I’m ready to break out of that box I built for myself yet.

12 Steps to Feel Happy Again

If you feel like you’re drifting through life without any meaning and without any purpose. If you feel trapped in your sequential life inside your cynical mind. These are some steps to help you find your purpose in this life.

1. Be Spontaneous & do the stuff that makes you happy

You only live once as they say.

2. Enjoy every moment 

Even if life gives you shit, believe it or not, it also gives you some good things. If you keep moping around, you won’t enjoy the moment you’re in RIGHT NOW.

3. Pray 

God is the reason why you are here. He has put you on this Earth to test you. Make Him proud!

4. Smile & be kind to everyone 

You never know what ANYONE is truly going through.

5. Do not be jealous, be thankful instead.

You are who you are. You have good things about you and you know them and that’s why you smile and see the world in your bright bubble.

6. Read and increase your knowledge in all fields 

Broaden your horizon, and learn more about the world. Maybe you’ll discover a new passion inside you you never even knew.

7. Do not force love 

He/she will come around when the time is right, but for now be yourself with everyone and enjoy everyone’s company as much as you can.

8. Laugh it off

Laugh your stress and problems away. Your sense of humour is what keeps you alive and moving.

9. Sing more 

Hahaha okay so maybe your voice does suck a little, but it’s okay. Sing in the privacy of your room/bathroom.

10. Realise the gift of a friend ❤  

They are the people that stand by you through thick and thin. Appreciate them.

11. Love yourself

You are special, unique and valuable. This may sound as a cliché but I swear it is the truth. If you don’t believe it, then who will?

So Called New Year’s Resolutions

It’s dark but I can see.
I can see the sea in front of me.
Pitch black and moving.
Flickering lights all around me.

This is a moment I want to document all my life

There is endless beauty to discover
Endless boundaries to break
Endless lives to live
Endless possibilities to do
Endless places to see
This is infinite
The world is infinite
God is infinite
I am infinite
I want to live
Like really live
Not just live life day by day
I want to be deep
I want to see more
I want to feel more
Actually be here in this world not in a cloud of vanity and false achievements
Thank you god for my life
I will live it to the fullest

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